Transformers is a story of giant robots from Cybertron who change into ordinary vehicles. They talk. They feel. Some fly. If you can wrap your mind around that, it’s easy to get into these movies and have a good time. If you’re looking for a story that respects the laws of physics, even theoretical physics, “Moon” is playing in theater 12.
Come to this movie expecting big explosions and giant robots fighting. In that regard, you’ll get more than what you’ll hope for. Both Transformers movies are based on stores that 12 year old boys make up while playing with toys in their bedrooms. “Megatron, you must fall!!” *boom crash* “aaaaah! I’ll get you, Prime!!” Not a lot of research for a Transformers movie. Just put some pre-teens in a room with some toys and an all-day supply of Mountain Dew, and boom. Script.
“Transformers: Revenge Of the Fallen” is big. Really big. And Loud. Really loud. And so if this were an 80 minute film, it could possibly be the best ride of the summer. It’s already on course to be the biggest movie this year.
But it’s like there were two scripts for this movie. One was an awesome script with giant robots and fighting, and another one was called “Sam Goes To College”. Well, “Sam Goes To College” is a really bad movie and I wish it had never been made. Especially because it’s been haphazardly thrown into “Revenge Of The Fallen”.
The movie picks up two years after the last one ended, with Megatron at the bottom of the ocean, and the Autobots working with the US Government in a new partnerhip organization called N.E.S.T. Now, the great thing about NEST is that it gives us an opportunity to see Tyrese Gibson and Josh Duhamel. They play soldiers, and they have both been doing a wonderful job at it for two movies now. Military guys. Good.
And then we’re forced to deal with what the writers determine to be the main characters of this movie, Sam and Michaela. And Sam’s parents. And Sam’s dog. And a new dog. And Michaela’s father. Sam Witwicky lives in a small town of 2 dimensional cardboard people that we care nothing about, yet we are subjected to a horribly written romance and family drama about them. We don’t care about these characters because the movie takes NO time to develop the characters. Sam is fully fleshed out, sure, we got that from the first movie, but we have no reason to care about anyone else, and now we’ve got an international crisis going on. The movie decides that during the crisis is a good time to do character development, so we learn that Sam has a hard time using the “L” word (which made no sense.), and then we meet Sam’s teahcers, roomates, etc all in the span of 20 minutes, and we’re supposed to get so much from that time that we’re supposed to care. Cut back to the action. Cool Decepticon designs. Cut BACK to Sam’s parents, who are doing their same Stiller & Mera 2.0 bit on a soundstage that we’re supposed to believe is France. There is a lot of covering great distance in no time in this movie. Yet, the movie drags on forever. How the same folks that wrote this came up with the script for “Star Trek” is beyond me.
Sam meets a girl at college who looks like a model. Now, because Sam’s girl back home looks like a model, and because in the Transformers universe, they don’t watch Battlestar Galactica, Sam just thinks a random blonde is hitting on him. This is another problem with the humans in this film. They can battle armored robots that are three stories tall with no problem, but can’t tell people to stop bothering them. Of course the blonde turns into a robot. A horribly designed robot, but hey. So this Decepticon spy blows up a library using some really cool effects. And Bumblebee, Sam’s protector, whisks everyone away from harm. But not before they pick up a new sidekick… an guy who runs a website that is seeking the truth about an alien robot invasion on Earth. Random characters and plot elements. Bad.
As I understood it, editing this movie took a long time. But I don’t see how this movie was edited at ALL. This movie needs an intermission. At times you feel like you’re watching raw footage.
I was forewarned before seeing this film that there would be some offensive scenes. I was warned about Skids and Mudflap, the “illiterate robots” who “act Black”. I saw no such thing. “The Twins” are dismissable characters who were only as illiterate as the rest of the Autobots and Decepticons who can’t read — an ancient script from thousands of years ago. There is too much talk about these robots, and Chevy should really be mad because they are totally not going to sell any Volts behind this. This movie is too long to even notice these characters. The most offensive character in this movie is Michaela. Megan Fox is so unbearable in this picture it is beyond words. I’m not sure if it’s the script or what, but this Michaela character is ridiculous. She can hotwire a car, defeat a Decepticon, but is the most needy person in the whole story. There was nowhere near enough attention paid to Arcee, the female autobot, who holo-projects a human woman rider (sans helmet) to blend in. We could have also used a little more screen time of the Audi. That was pretty cool.
Michael Bay has a long history of films that critics hate and audiences love. He has been really consistent in not listening to people who say he should tell better stories. He has been consistent in blowing thinsg up. Honestly? I would have rather Michael Bay directed Terminator: Salvation. That would have been great fun. If Michael Bay was a Transformer, he’d be Devastator (which was awesome, by the way) — a huge robot monster made up of other robots built to destroy stuff. And we, the movie going public, have created Devastator, by coming out by the millions to see the earlier pictures. There is no turning back now. This is what he does.
So let’s recap. This movie is ENTIRELY too long. There are only 70 minutes you’ll care about, but they are spread out over 2 and 1/2 hours. The 70 minutes are of robots and military action. The fighting robots are huge and the fights are really good. (there’s a Bumblebee fight sequence that’s really impressive.) but the rest of the “script” is beyond laughable, it’s insulting. This script makes Wachowski’s “Speed Racer” look like “Wuthering Heights”. You end up feeling bad for the actors, who have to recite this nonsense. The most memorable live human performances in this movie are from Tyrese Gibson and John Turturro. Shia Lebouf and Josh Duhamel…these are good actors in a bad situation. There is also a lot of cursing in this movie. A surprising amount, actually.
So, do we reccomend it? Reluctantly. Because there IS a good action movie in there. If you can tolerate the horrible script, you’llhave a good time.
Definitely see this movie if you like giant robots. Or if you are an IMAX fanatic. Just — do NOT skip the concession stand. You will need food.
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